


Splinter

by koolmcr



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Character, Sleep, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29360802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koolmcr/pseuds/koolmcr
Summary: Jackson's peacefulness turns her dreams into static. She sleeps, she wakes up, goes through her days. It's kinda comforting to have such dull dreams that she can't remember them.But then there are nights when the comfort, peace, happiness of Jackson mesh with her memories. And she can't really tell what's real and what isn't.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie/Riley (The Last of Us)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	Splinter

Ellie still dreams about Riley sometimes. 

Only sometimes. Not every night. Not like she would when she disappeared for 45 days (well, 46, technically), or in the weeks following their mall mishap when she could still vividly see Riley's soft eyes turn bloodshot. 

Jackson's peacefulness turns her dreams into static. She sleeps, she wakes up, goes through her days. It's kinda comforting to have such dull dreams that she can't remember them.

But then there are nights when the comfort, peace, happiness of Jackson mesh with her memories. And she can't really tell what's real and what isn't. 

She lays in bed and suddenly Riley is there, sitting at her desk. Older. Not infected. 

"I can't believe you don't have that picture of us up. That's pretty hurtful, girl." She twirls in circles in the desk chair, stopping to face Ellie. 

"You know I couldn't go back and get it."

"Couldn't or _didn't want to_?"

Ellie sighs and stands. "We can't all sneak our way into the school like you."

"I know. I'm just good like that." Riley smiles and flips through Ellie's journal. "Who's this Dina girl?"

"A friend." The light eyed girl leaps and snatches the book. 

"Uh huh. Like how we were friends?"

"Riley..."

The dark eyed girl stands with an angry look. She's still taller than Ellie. 

"You thought you could just fuck off from Boston and make a whole new life here? Leave me in the mall? Hook up with _Dina_?"

"What the fuck was I supposed to do?! I wasn't turning! You were! I was scared."

"Who's saying that I wasn't scared?"

Ellie doesn't really know how to respond, so she looks down and fidgets with her fingers. 

"Ellie. Look at me." 

She lifts her head up and suddenly Riley's lips are on her's. 

And just as suddenly they're not. And Ellie's confused. 

"What was that for?"

Riley looks sheepish, which is a look that Ellie never remembers seeing on her. It's weird. 

"I just wanted to see what that felt like again."

"Okay."

They're searching each other's eyes. Ellie's flinch down to Riley's lips first.

Then it's all over. 

Riley's hands cup Ellie's face and Ellie's magnetize to Riley's hips. They kiss hungrily, desperately. Trying to meld their bodies together. At some point Riley backs Ellie up enough to her bed and pushes her down, falling on top of her. Their teeth knock in their sloppiness, it makes Riley giggle. Their shirts ache too much over their skin, so they stop and get rid of them. 

The sensation of Riley's stomach, breasts on her's is driving Ellie wild. The dark eyed girl peppers kisses on her cheeks and jaw, moving south. All Ellie can do is breathe raggedly. Riley moves to her neck and she feels her teeth sink in deep. 

She feels blood start to dribble. 

She pushes Riley off and sees her face, sick and sored. A fucked up tendril climbing out of her temple. A hiss explodes out of her throat before she goes in again.

* * *

The dull blue light from the window glows over Ellie's sweat as she jumps awake. 

"Fuck."

She reaches to her neck, and there's no blood or teeth marks there. 

The clock next to her flashes 5:11 AM as she sits up. Her body feels fine. The apartment looks fine. But her heart is thumping in her ears. Her mind is being crushed under her furrowed brow. It's gonna be one of those days. 

The guilt of surviving, of leaving Riley, is never going to go away. That's just a fact. Some days can be better than others. Some days she doesn't even think about it. But then her dreams remind her. 

But what about the guilt of love? The guilt of loving Riley and never doing fucking _anything_ about it other than that one little kiss. Fuck, did she even tell her she loved her after they got bit? She can't remember. And it's not fair. 

Ellie shakes as she moves off the bed and goes into the bathroom. She looks at herself in the mirror. Too many freckles. Too light of eyes. She gets lost in the void of her pupils and doesn't notice her tears until they fall off her jaw. Unfocusing and refocusing, she sees the redness in her eyes. 

They look a little like Riley's, the last time she actually saw them. That makes her cry more. 

It's not fair that she gets to have her own bed to dream in, her own bathroom to cry in, and Riley fucking doesn't. 

It's not fair that she's moved on and Riley doesn't have a mind to even think about moving on with anymore. 

The blue glow gets yellow as she sits on the toilet with the lid down, sobbing, with her fingers being bit down in her mouth and the toilet paper doing nothing but irritating her eyes further when she uses it to mop up her tears. She doesn't know what time it is. She doesn't fucking care. Fuck rotations. Fuck this whole town. 

She crawls back into bed at some point, seeking the comfort of her covers. Her eyes hurt and she can't bare to keep them open. The next thing she knows there's a knocking. 

"Ellie? You in there?" Dina calls from the other side of the door. Fuck. 

"No."

"Sounds like you are. What's the matter? You weren't at work today."

"No shit." 

She hears an exasperated sigh and footsteps moving. A moment later there's a shadow behind her curtains close to her bed. 

"Ellie, come on. Can you let me in?"

There's a long silence. Ellie stays buried in her bed. 

"El?"

"Can you go away? _Please_?"

"Can I make sure you're okay in there first?"

This girl isn't going to quit. Ellie grumbles as she gets up and throws back the curtains, opens the window. The early autumn air is crisp. 

"Hi."

"Hey."

Dina investigates her face, noticing the dark circles underneath the auburn's eyes. 

"You look like hell."

"Gee, thanks. Can you go now?"

"You sure? I can hang out if you want."

Another grumble from Ellie. "I just want to be alone."

Dina reaches to touch Ellie's hand that sits on the window sill, but Ellie pulls back and looks down. 

"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Sure."

After Dina walks away, after Ellie shuts the window and redraws the curtain, she sits back on her bed and puts her head in her hands.

"I'm so fucking stupid."

All she does is say the wrong things to the right people. Dina cares about her. What if she opened up about her dream? Riley? Would Dina listen? Relate? Give her a hug?

Of course. That's all it fucking is. That's all she cares about people for. If they can fall into her web, give her physical affection, make her feel good without giving a shit about how they feel. She's a dumb fucking dyke who's manipulative and that's all she'll ever be. 

She cries hot, angry tears as she lays back down. Somehow sleep captures her again. 

* * *

Ellie's brain feels like a bag of sand. But she can't skip work twice in a row. Well, she could, but she'd have to come up with a better excuse than she "just didn't feel it" which is a bullshit answer anyway, even if it's the truth. 

So she gets up, gets dressed, and leaves her apartment before the break of dawn. The town's already bustling by then. As she walks over to the stables, a familiar twist of bunned hair comes into her view. 

"Hey, El! Good to see you." 

Dina gives her a quick hug. Ellie feels nauseous. 

"Hey."

"You feeling any better?" She pulls back and holds Ellie's left arm. 

"I guess. Just had a migraine."

"Mmm." 

They end up walking together through the early morning light. They're about to walk into the stables when Dina stops them. 

"You wanna hang out after we get back? Play some PlayStation?" 

Ellie shrugs. 

"Oh come on. What's been up your ass these last few days?"

"I don't think I'm a very good friend."

Dina cocks her eyebrow at that. "How come?"

Ellie sighs and curses herself for letting that slip. But she's stuck now. "I don't know. I think I'm kinda selfish."

"Well, lucky for you that's my favorite kind of fish."

"Dina, come on. I'm serious."

"Well, I don't think that. I think you're very kind and caring for the people you love. Plus, if you weren't at least a little selfish, you wouldn't be here with me."

"I guess."

Dina tugs at her arm.

"Let's go. I don't want to get shit for being late."

Ellie stares at her back as she walks through the doors. 

**Author's Note:**

> Me has a dream about Riley coming to Jackson to visit Ellie, writes about it. Also I'm a big believer in not forgetting people in your life, loves that never were, that sort of thing. The haunts of the lives that could've been, the people you've hurt.


End file.
